Ngee says… Yes dear, you heard right! Pain is good for your marriage.

Have you heard of the disease called congenital analgesia also known as congenital insensitivity to pain (CIP)? It is a rear condition in which a person cannot feel physical pain. It is common for people with this condition to die in childhood because feeling physical pain is vital for survival.

So it is in marriage. The inability for one spouse to feel pain or to be insensitive to the other’s pain can lead to abuse, separation, divorce and sometimes even death.

I remember a phone call years back where a lady wanted my opinion. Her ex boyfriend was back and wanted her to divorce her husband of close to 5 years. My response was; would you be happy if your husband did the same to you?

Pain is a survival instinct put by God to help us navigate life. But when we begin to pick up bad habits in order to deaden our pain, we miss the opportunity to understand what is happening in our marriage, thereby missing the opportunity of finding healing.

The pain we are addressing here is not physical pain, but emotional pain. Emotional pain is an alert system that tells you that something is wrong in your marriage and it needs urgent fixing.

Unfortunately, in our generation, we flee from pain rather than use it. A spouse is betrayed by the husband/wife; they would prefer to build an emotional wall like having an affair, drinking or staying out late, rather than taking a pause to say I am hurt by your actions, can we talk?

In this day and age where self love is preached to the exclusion of how others feel, immature human beings who no longer feel the pain of others keep being produced. So it is okay to lie or cheat on your spouse, if it gets you what you want.

This is one of the most destructive habits in marriage. We are okay and excited to get our pleasure at any cost even if our spouse is hurt by it, but we take offence when face the same situation.


Rich says…

It took the emotional pain of a near divorce between my wife and I to wake us up on several things that were missing in our marriage. Listening to my wife express her hurt and the specific things I did that inflicted the hurt brought some healing.

Healing begins with allowing the other express exactly how they feel.


Will you deal differently with the painful situations in your life today by:

  • Acknowledging the pain.
  • Talking about it together.
  • Proffering solutions to eradicate/curb the pain.
  • Taking responsibility of the path you played in it.
  • Dealing with the pain till both of you feel safe again.

The ability to feel pain and understand your spouse’s pain, might just be the greatest gift you can give your marriage.

Let pain workout the good in your marriage.

Hurting; need answers? Click here to book a counselling session now!

You can also watch our conversation on how to keep your marriage alive here.


Ngee and Rich 
(Dr Richard and Ngozi Okonkwo)
Relationship Coach/Habit Instructors
Founders – Keeping Marriage Alive Initiative

“Will two people walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” Amos 3:3 (CEB).