“We’ve learned that quiet isn’t always peace…” This was the part of Amanda Gorman’s poem that resonated with me the most during Joe Biden and Kamala Harris inauguration. As a counsellor, I have come to realize that many homes live in an illusion of peace, never understanding the need of striving to attain true peace.

As a family and nation, we need to ask ourselves a crucial question as we celebrate this year’s marriage week – Are we living an illusion of peace?

Peace has different definitions depending on who you ask but I will pick one from the Merriam Webster dictionary – ‘harmony in personal relations’. Many have mistaken control or quietness as peace and lost vital relationships because of this misassumption .

Let us take a look at what peace is and what it is not:

Peace is not:
Quietness or everyone agreeing with your idea. Neither is it a situation where the leader makes decisions without taking into consideration the input of those he/she leads or its effect on them.

Peace is:
The ability to understand the individuals in a team, family, nation and make decisions with that in mind.
Contrary to popular opinion, conflicts and disagreement is not a negative to peace. Rather it is a pathway for the team to constructively come to a place where the vision of the unit is more important than the goal of one.

A perfect example of peace is an orchestra. So different but in harmony, simply because they have applied the principles of teamwork:

  • Discussing the vision.
  • Agreeing on the goal
  • Delegating tasks to individuals in the team, family etc.
  • Counting on each other to play their roles, while protecting their goal/vision and one another.

Anytime one of these principles is broken, disillusionment sets in and peace begins to disintegrate.

Rich says…

We all desire peace (which is harmony) in our marital relationship. The peace we seek for is only achieved by deliberate discussions, negotiations and at times outright confrontation and war. Only that, this war is fought in the spirit of love.

When we keep quiet for peace to reign, we only get slavery. So husbands and wives must create a conducive atmosphere where both can express themselves freely, then come to agreement what is best for their own relationship and stick to it. That is the only way to lasting peace in every aspect of our marriage.

So this weekend, we ask you dear husbands and wives to have a naked conversation with one another; permitting the other to speak and both accepting responsibility of protecting the peace of the home for the children, marriage and individual goals to thrive.

Let true peace reign!

Ngee and Rich
(Dr. Richard and Ngozi Okonkwo)
Relationship Coach/Habit Instructors
Founders – Keeping Marriage Alive Initiative

“Will two people walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” Amos 3:3

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