Recently, we had to consciously include this question “Are you attracted to someone other than your spouse?” in our counselling sessions. The reason being that most couples dealing with issues tend to blame their spouse for the issues or assume that they need a new partner to be happy again.
Both assumptions of blaming your spouse or looking for a new partner are very wrong. But answering the question of being ‘attracted to someone other than your spouse’ can give your marriage a chance to survive and thrive again.
Most couples who are frank with one another will tell you that at least once in their lives they have been attracted to someone other than their spouse. The difference is what you do with the attraction!
Some couples will go where the attraction leads and some will take proactive steps to save their marriage.
Today, hubby and I will be sharing key steps that we learnt in our marriage and during counselling that have helped us safeguard our marriage from the consequences of being attracted to another who isn’t your spouse.
1) Acknowledge the problem:
This is so key! Many Christians sweep their feelings under the carpet without realizing the eminent danger they are putting their marriage in. Because a problem not acknowledged cannot be solved and therefore has potential to cause great danger.
Attraction to another is out of your control but what you do with it is in your control!
2) Pray about it:
This might sound so cliche but I can tell you from personal experience that prayer is the greatest self control app you can ever have.
When we say pray about it; I mean – say how you feel exactly to God and await His answer. You might have to pray about it severally to win; but surely God loves to step into situations where you are desirous to do His will.
As long as you are on this earth, attraction to someone else other than your spouse might or will occur. But you must learn to handle it.
Remember, feelings are fickle but love is a choice backed up with commitment.
3) Accountability partner:
This is the clincher. When we expose sin, it usually loses the deadly grip it has on us.
So finding an accountability partner who will help you is key! The accountability partner must be chosen wisely and should be someone who believes in fidelity of marriage – husband, sister, religious leader etc.
I want to pause and say a big thank you to hubby who has helped me to create an environment where we can be accountability partners for one another. Being naked with our flaws and not ashamed of being judged.
We must deliberately and intentionally take active steps to protect and preserve our Marriage like –
a) Ensuring a good distance between you both (the person you are attracted to) if possible.
b) Minimal interaction if it’s a colleague and where possible delegate to another.
c) Guard your thoughts and fill it with something other than the person.
d) Identify the core problem – is something missing in your marriage, past relationship, lack of boundaries, burning out or much more?
Ladies and gentlemen, your marriage needs all of you and it begins with dealing with the little foxes like attraction that can literally destroy your home.
If this blog blessed you, do share with your communities. You might be saving someone’s marriage.
Ngee and Rich
(Dr. Richard and Ngozi Okonkwo)
Relationship Coach/Habit Instructors
Founders – Keeping Marriage Alive Initiative
“Will two people walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” Amos 3:3