Ngee says…

Love!!  Someone I met, asked this question—“can I fall in love and remain passionately in love?  I understood immediately that what she was asking for was assurance that her love story will be different from the picture the society is painting.  I answered with a big YES!

It’s truly possible to fall in love. The KEY is to find out why some fail to remain in love, while others succeed and even grow more in love. What is that ingredient needed?

…My children, our love should not be only words and talk. No, our love must be real. We must show our love by the things we do.(1 John 3:18 ERV)..

 

Rich says.. Core fears are real. Love demands you are patient with your spouse and work with him or her to overcome the fears.

Love is an action word. To fall in love mightn’t require much work but to REMAIN and GROW in love, one has to take some actions. The 1^st action is to study the needs of your spouse/intending spouse, which we discussed in the last blog(the 5 basic love languages). The 2^nd is to cultivate a good, peaceful environment.

What environment are we talking about?  Your spouse/intending spouse‘s mind.

How can this be achieved? By identifying and addressing each other’s CORE FEARS.

My definition of CORE FEAR is that red alert signaling danger, which makes us react in such a way that is different from the norm or the basic expected reaction.

Let me buttress this, by sharing our experience—

My husband comes home around 12midnight and I react by asking him why he’s late and he didn’t bother calling. He responds by reacting defensively, reminding me how he’s fending for the home.

*Did you notice that we’ve deviated from coming late to something else?

Now my reaction was excessive, bearing in mind he’s a doctor and emergencies do crop up. My Core fear—unfaithfulness.  I had seen how my father’s unfaithfulness had ruined their marriage.

My husband reacts by defensively reminding me of how he fends for the family. He’s core fear– criticism. He was brought up in an environment that equates criticism as I don’t love you.

What did we do?

We sat down and addressed the fears and found ways to retain a peaceful environment so our love can grow. My husband couldn’t understand why I equated his coming late with unfaithfulness. Why, I couldn’t understand why reacted so negatively when asked a question.

Our core fears are real to each one of us. Just try to help your spouse with his or her fear and keep the environment safe, till their fear becomes a thing of the past.

My husband calls me whenever he’s going to be late. If he is not able to call once in awhile, I understand better because he has created a safe environment.

Whenever I need to address a situation which might sound like criticism, I make sure he’s well settled and I compliment him before addressing the situation.  When I unconsciously make mistakes/criticize him. He still understands that my love for him is unconditional.

BONDING TIME…

Read together (1 John 4:18).

Discuss each other’s core fears. Find ways to address them and keep your environment safe.

Take a magazine and look at it from 2 different angles. Discuss what you see. Then see it from the same angle and also discuss what you see.