I will like to share my personal story/experience on this –
Having been married for a while, yet the friction in our marriage was very noticeable. I had an idea and a dream of how my marriage and especially how i and my husband should conduct ourselves.
The more I demanded for my husband to fit into my dream mold, the more it felt like he was going the other direction. Love was lost, anger and dissatisfaction was built and it led to emotional affairs on both sides and Divorce looked like the best decision to make.
But before deciding on divorcing my hubby, I decided to take it back to the Lord and pray.
As I knelt down to pray, a passage in the bible came to me immediately –2Samuel 6:6-7 (where uzzah tried to help or catch the ark and he was struck dead). I heard a voice clearly say to me; at the rate you are going, your marriage will end in death.
I was speechless; I have done everything right; according to the books. I was a representative of what a perfect wife looks like and I wanted my husband to measure up/match up to my expectation and the world’s expectation of what a perfect husband looks like.
My question is – what had I done wrong? After a lot of soul searching and going to the very beginning I found out 3 important points
1. Motive – why do I want my spouse to fit into a mold?
Ngee says– I had fear issues from my mother & father’s relationship. My marriage became the ground on which I could correct their mistakes and heal.
Rich says– I entered into marriage with great expectation of what I wanted my wife to be pretty, homely, attractive (all these she is) but I also expected her to be calm (not too outspoken); She should speak only when spoken to.
Why did I want her to be calm?
It is because I come from a traditional African background, where women are not to speak except when spoken to, only to discover that she was well outspoken and bold.
2. Self – all we both taught of was our personal benefit not how to grow each other.
3. Holding on Vs. Letting go! - For the 1st time in my life; I released my husband to God – his maker and creator. I also asked the Lord to help me become the wife he needs for the journey.
The Lord started with changing me; boy was I surprised! I learnt to be patient, tolerant, more forgiving and less judgmental. Gradually, I noticed changes in my husband, sometimes not even in areas I was praying about but I was glad.
After some months my hubby asked me- what I did that changed the tempo of our marriage – and I shared my experience. He decided to tow the same line too.
The change of letting go and letting God, has changed all areas of our marriage and brought tremendous peace to our home.
Rich says– Two calm people would not have made a good team – ‘who would speak for us at the gate’. And overtime we have blended and influenced each other with me being more outspoken and my wife a bit calm.
We are both work-in-progress; learning, changing, stretching, and becoming one; even in areas we never taught possible.
Are you holding on tightly to your marriage? Stop, let it go! Even cars need to be repaired by mechanics or the car manufacturer.
Let it go! And let God the manufacturer of your spouse take over. I have changed! He has changed! We are still changing!
1. Name 3 reasons why you are holding tightly to your marriage and give it all to Him (God) the one that formed each and everyone of us in the womb
2. Discuss habits both of you can inculcate into the marriage and give the habits time to become a part of your lives.
E.g – strolling once a week together
- eating 1 meal a day together
- saying I love you daily
- and my favorite making love frequently – thrice a week minimum
Ngee & Rich
Keeping Marriage Alive Initiative
“Will two people walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” Amos 3:3 (CEB)