Conflicts! A Necessary Tool For Growth In Marriage

Ngee says…

Hubby— you are a stupid & lazy wife. Look around you, I provide all your needs. Yet you can’t manage the home.

Wife— provide all my needs! Where are you, when I and the children need you? Always coming home late!i  didn’t bargain for an absentee husband when I was getting married.

They both start wondering if they are married to the right person and sometimes even look for ways to guard their heart from being hurt again.

I’ve been there crying, praying and wondering if I would survive the hurt.

To be frank with you most of us have. Each time a serious conflict arises in our home (marriage) we face a choice – to still believe in “us” or to guard our heart from further hurt. The choice is always personal but the consequences affect the two (2) of you & also the children.  We were opportune to speak on this very issue at Amazon in AIT recently.

For I and hubby conflicts are a necessary tool in our marriage. Don’t be shocked! Most people are, when they hear us say this. YES! There were times we believed that conflicts meant lack of love for each other, fear of separation and thoughts of “would have been happier if I had married someone else”.

We even looked for ways to avoid conflicts. Thinking of it now, I actually smile. The more we avoided the issues, the more distant we became with each other.  We then decided to look at conflicts from another angle, were we surprised!

Rich says…

The mindset both people have is crucial. You must realize that both of you are on the same team, and a win means a win for two of you and so does a loss. So quit the blaming game and work together to overcome the source of conflict bearing in mind that you complement each other.

Just imagine driving your car and it keeps showing the alert sign to stop and refuel. What will happen after awhile if you don’t stop? The car will stop moving.

Anytime we’ve had conflicts or as I & hubby fondly call it now- blind spots in marriage. It just simply means that this area in our marriage needs to be worked on and if neglected can lead to a break down in the marriage.

But when we take out time from our busy schedule to pray, talk & act on what was discussed sometimes repeatedly, till we realize that the area of conflict is resolved and you are drawn closer, loving each other more.

Someone once asked me, when the conflicts will stop?  My answer was, never!  Each conflict if addressed originally from the view of how God intended it, should draw us closer till we become ‘one’ flesh. We rejoice when conflicts arise now – TIME TO BOND, hurray!

Let’s go back to the scenario at the beginning and see what changes can be made to turn the conflict to their advantage.

Hubby— you are a stupid and lazy wife. Look around you, I provide all your needs. Yet you can’t manage the home.
Wife—  provide all my needs! Where are you, when I and the children need you? Always coming home late! Didn’t bargain for an absentee husband when I was getting married..
*Wife— hi, can we talk about this please. Why do you keep using the words stupid & lazy.  Are my missing something? Thought we agreed that I should stay at home, for proper training of the children.
Hubby—- hmmm! Yes. But the financial load is becoming much on me. I’m a bit tensed on how to keep on providing for the home.
Wife — do I get a part time job, that won’t affect the training time of the children?
Hubby– that will help & will try to come home earlier to spend time with you & the children
.

Do you see how the conflict turned to an advantage?
1) better communication was achieved
2) each other’s needs were met
3) a more secure (safe environment) home was achieved

Bonding time–
Together  read Amos 3:3, Proverb 19:11 and 1 Corinthians 10:13

Write down areas of conflict and discuss ways to turn them to both of your advantage.  * Take out time to see the situation from the eyes of your spouse.

Love,

Ngee & Rich       

Founders of Keeping Marriage Alive Initiative

“Will two people walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” Amos 3:3 (CEB).

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